I realize that my posts lately have been philosophical in nature (at least I like to think so) and come off as really serious. Well, life can be serious sometimes. It can be fun at times when we take trips with our families or hang out with friends (as I'm doing tonight). Life can be awful at times, like when you lose a loved one, a friend, or you're just having a rotten day. Life can also be scary, as it is a little bit right now for me. I have recently become engaged and will be embarking on a path to the unknown. Yet, at the same time, life can be peaceful and even exciting. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, my new fiance. There is a certain peace in that, as well as excitement to see what the future might hold and of course to have our wedding. But even in my excitement, change is a scary thing. Not just the change in my marital status, but change in my life status.
"Contemplating changes in life as I now know it."
It feels like yesterday that I graduated from high school! There I was, just having given my Valedictorian speech with my best friend at the time, thinking about the future which seemed so far off; taking pictures with friends who I thought I would keep in touch with and hang out with often. Celebrating with family who were congratulatory and very generous monetarily. There were relatives to hug, food to eat, pictures to take, a grad party to go to; all of these things fueled my excitement for a day that I did not want to end. I had worked hard in high school and deserved a little celebration. Sure there was some nostalgia and a little sadness at the fact that I would be leaving behind sports and some friends that were younger than me. But I was excited. College was new, people wouldn't know me there, and it was the start of my future adult life (which to an 18 year old is pretty darn important!).
Not once did I think about what it would feel like to be faced with the uncertainty of the world outside of school, permanently. I never thought I would change majors. I figured that I had made up my mind and that the path that I was currently on was the one I would never stray from. I never guessed that of the friends in the picture above, I would hardly keep in contact with any of them. I was not thinking about the reality that all of us would go our separate ways and become our own people outside of our little hometown of Harrisburg. We had all gone to school together for so long it didn't seem possible. No one could have convinced me that I would be sitting here right now at my computer contemplating the changes in life as I now know it.
"People are supposed to fear the unknown, but ignorance is bliss when knowledge is so damn frightening."
I am entering my senior year of college. I have changed majors, only once; a feat that many college students would be jealous of as I believe the average amount of times students change majors is three. I feel I have found a major that I am interested in and would enjoy working in the field, yet it is not an easy one. There have been many times I have thought about giving up, that the path is much too difficult to travel on, and that I will never succeed. But I have kept plowing forward. And here I am. Only one year away from receiving my diploma and being a graduate of Oregon State University. Through my excitement, however, comes fear. Fear of the unknown; fear of the "adult world" I was so excited to join upon my graduation from high school. Fear of the desolute job market I am faced at entering; fear of failing. "People are supposed to fear the unknown, but ignorance is bliss when knowledge is so damn frightening." And I couldn't agree more. Life was so much more blissful when I had little fear exiting high school--I had no knowledge to allow me to be so. But as I've gone through school and watch others older than me struggle through, it makes me fearful for my own fate. Fear is paralyzing.
But through my fear come age; and with age comes confidence and independence. I am now 21 years old. By no means am I old and wise or really that much older than I was; but I am 3 years older than my 18 year-old counterpart and I feel much wiser for the fact. I have had to shoulder responsibility for my education and social life, I have had to face the reality of the economy I will enter, and recently, I have had to begin to plan my new life in a new family and situation. None of it is easy, but my growing independence gives me confidence. And my successes bolster it. I have found that fear can be useful, if looked at in the proper perspective. I still struggle to loosen it's hold on me, but slowly and surely I will.
"Changes do not undermine me: they define me."
If change were so bad, I never would have started dating Zachary and would not be joining the wonderful family that I will be (whenever we can pick a date). If I had not started dating Zach, I would never have been introduced to the fantastic world of Renaissance Faires, which I find to be so much fun! If I had not started dating Zach, I know I would not be engaged right now and would probably be single or unhappy. If I had not started dating Zach, I would not be who I am today.
If I had not have changed majors I would not be happy in school whatsoever (not that I like school, but it would have been more miserable). Changing majors had allowed me to make new friends, be engrosed in my learning, and make new connections with people in the professional world. If I had not changed majors I would not be doing my radio show: Nutrition Now. If I had not changed majors, I would feel unfulfilled.
Changes, I have found, do not undermine me: they define me. I would not be the woman I am today had it not been for change. Change is a necessary part of human life, an unavoidable aspect of life. It shapes us invisibly day by day. How we choose to respond to change is our choice. Our choice determines how we let it affect us. As I sit here typing this, I realize that I am preaching to the choir (mainly myself) and should take my own advice. And I am trying. (mostly I'm getting distracted by my waistline in my corset in the picture above...but I am trying!) Acceptance of change is difficult and I am doing my best to do so. The changes in life as I know it, really aren't so bad after all.
For more information on the Nutrition Now Radio show visit: www.facebook.com/kbvrnutritionnow
No comments:
Post a Comment